its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
