she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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