I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
