Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
