I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
