If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
