It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
