He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
