I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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