i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
