i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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