just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
