trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
