I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
