my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
