I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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