accomplished twins. life is a go
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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