I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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