Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
