Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My balls are so social today.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
