Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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