I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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