nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
