I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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