Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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