you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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