I feel like abortions should bother me more
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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