ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
