my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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