fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
