I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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