I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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