Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
