I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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