apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
