I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
