dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
