She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
