The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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