we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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