I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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