The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
