his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
