Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
