She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
