i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
