My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
