I accidentally burped into my bong.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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