when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
