I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
third nipple confirmed
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
