There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i came on her dog
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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