my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sobbing to NWA
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
